Ever found yourself saying something like:

“If you tidy away your toys, you can have an ice-cream,” or
“If you help set the table, you can have some screen time”?

You’re definitely not alone! Bribing (aka offering material rewards in exchange for kids’ doing what you want them to do) is something most parents do at some point, usually because, well, …it works!

At least, it seems to. 🤔

But here’s the snag: while offering a reward can get your child to do something in the moment, it doesn’t help them actually value that behaviour in the long run. In fact, research shows it can even lead to the opposite outcome. 😬

The Science Behind Human Motivation 🔍

Researchers Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, through their Self-Determination Theory, spent decades studying what really drives human behaviour, not just in kids, but in adults too. Their research highlights that not all motivation is created equal. Some motivators are what we call low quality, and others are high quality.

Low quality motivators include things like:

• 😡 The fear of punishment or of disappointing an authority figure
• 🚫 The threat of losing privileges (e.g. “No screen time if you don’t help!”)
• 🍭 The promise of material rewards (e.g. "Screen time if you DO help!")
• 👀 Doing something just to look good in the eyes of others (i.e. mere self-promotion)

These types of motivators absolutely CAN get children to do things, (tidy their room, help pack up toys, even share with others), but research shows* they come with some pretty unhelpful ‘side effects’.

Children (and adults!) motivated by these low-quality drivers tend to:
➡️ not enjoy the activity very much
➡️ do it poorly or half-heartedly
➡️ give up quickly when it becomes challenging
➡️ avoid doing it again later when given the opportunity

Why? Because they come to see the reason for doing the task as external: “I must have done it for the ice-cream/threat of punishment,” not because the activity itself could have held any value or meaning.

High Quality Motivators 🌱

By contrast, high-quality motivators are essentially experiences that involve a sense of:

1. Autonomy: “I have some choices here and I kind of chose to do this!”

2. Competence: “I feel like I’m getting better at this!”

3. Relatedness: “I feel connected to the people I love, and what I do for others matters.”

When these needs are met, research shows that people (kids and adults alike) tend to:
➡️ enjoy the activity more
➡️ stay engaged for longer (and when the activity becomes challenging)
➡️ perform at a higher level
➡️ want to do it again (and again!)

That’s powerful. 💪

It means if we want our children to value things like helping, sharing, & contributing (all those behaviours that build the kind of moral qualities that predict better mental and emotional wellbeing over the long term), then we need to create caring and contributing experiences for our kids that involve a sense of autonomy, competence, and relatedness.

What This Looks Like in Practice

When you use low-quality motivators, you get low-quality results. Sure, your child will lay the table if you promise them a reward for doing it … but they'll do it without any interest or care, and they won’t want to do it again without the same promise of rewards next time.

Having said that, sometimes we just have to get everyone in the car and go! 🚗 In those moments, a quick bribe or threat might get you through the door, and that’s okay, we’re all human.

But for the things we really want our kids to value it’s worth taking the more intentional (and slower!) route.

That might look something like this:

✅ Giving them some (limited) choices: “You can either help set the table or feed the dog tonight, you choose” (Autonomy)
✅ Helping them to feel competent: “That looks great! Wow you’re really getting good at that!” (Competence) (note: this is about how they feel not about how perfectly they actually did the job - or not! 😉)
✅ Make them feel like they matter: “Let’s do this together and you can tell me about your day” or “What you’ve done has helped the whole family get out the door and off to soccer on time!” (Relatedness)

Of course that means it’s all going to take a bit longer (maybe even a lot longer!), but we’re raising good humans here, and something that important can’t - indeed shouldn’t be rushed.

A Note on Pairing Rewards 🍪

There’s a little nuance to be acknowledged here. You can pair enjoyable things like chocolate biscuits or yummy treats with chores or helping activities.

The important thing to remember though is this:
👉 The biscuits (or whatever it is) must feel incidental, not conditional.

If children come to believe the reason they helped was for the biscuits, the intrinsic value disappears. But if biscuits are simply part of the shared, positive experience then they can actually enhance the sense of connection and enjoyment that builds high-quality motivation.

It’s a bit of a skill to do this in a way that your child doesn’t feel like it’s a ‘reward’, but it’s totally doable!

The Takeaway 🌼

When it comes to creating motivation that lasts, the kind that helps children want to help, care, and contribute, trying to control or dictate behaviour through bribes or fear is, to say the least, not very effective. Research shows that a better strategy is to help kids have experiences of autonomy, competence, and relatedness while they are engaging in behaviours that benefit other people. This strategy is much more likely to result in kindness, caring and contribution being valued by your child, and therefore in time becoming integrated into how they see themselves, a part of who they are.

Why are we doing this again?? Because children who are becoming kind and connected humans don’t just make the world a better place, research shows they also enjoy better mental and emotional wellbeing themselves.

If you’d like to learn more about how to put this research into action, with practical tips and everyday examples, you’ll find a whole module on this topic (and many others!) in our online parenting program. 🌈

👉 Sign up now to learn how to raise kind and connected kids, and in doing so: safeguard their long-term mental and emotional wellbeing. ❤️

*Vansteenkiste, M., Ryan, R. M., & Soenens, B. (2020). Basic psychological need theory: Advancements, critical themes, and future directions. Motivation and Emotion, 44(1), 1–31. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-019-09818-1