In this blog Jess talks about the pitfalls of trying to become a friend to our young children when what they really need is for us to be their 'North Star' in life. Jess also talks about how to develop a different kind of closeness with our children that better supports their emotional and social development.

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Every parent wants to feel 'close' to their child!☺️

We want to feel trusted and loved, and we want to know that our child feels they can come to us with their fears and their dreams. That desire can lead some parents to aim for a friendship-like relationship with their child - even when their child is still quite young. On the surface, it sounds great... a relationship full of warmth and fun, and maybe even some shared secrets like a couple of old pals. But there’s a difference between being 'close' like a friend - and being close with your child in a way that truly supports their healthy emotional and social development.

So firstly, why is being a 'Friend-Parent' not what your child needs?

Trying to be your child’s best friend might seem like a great pathway to closeness, but it can lead to unintended consequences.

Here are just 2 ways it can get in the way of your child’s healthy development:

1. Help! There's no adult in the room!😲

Children will inevitably push the limits, whether they say something unkind, lose control, or hurt someone’s feelings. In those moments, they don’t need a buddy. They need an adult who can calmly step forward and say: 'No - that's not ok - here's a better way.' Children depend upon parents to help shape their social and emotional skills. But friendship is a relationship between equals - and friends can choose whether or not to listen to their friend's advice! If you’re acting like a friend or even a peer, it becomes much harder to step into a guiding role in all those moments when your child needs you to show them the way. When the line between parent and friend blurs, your child can be left without a steady compass. And that’s a loss—not just of structure, but of the safety and guidance they truly need to grow.

2. Hey - I don't want that role!😠

Sometimes when a parent tries to become a Friend-Parent to a young child, they can unintentionally place emotional expectations on the child that the child isn’t ready (or meant) to carry. For instance, a parent might gradually start to turn to their child for comfort or support, just as they would with a friend. But young children simply aren’t equipped to process or respond to adult emotions in that way. This kind of role-reversal can be confusing and emotionally overwhelming for children - especially young children. Over time, it can erode a child’s sense of safety and undermine their emotional development. Childhood already comes with big feelings and challenges! - children shouldn’t also have to manage the complex emotional needs of a parent.

Ok - So what does a healthier kind of 'closeness' look like?

Everyone knows that children need to feel a loving connection with their parent or carer. That type of connection is developed using all the familiar ingredients: physical affection, eye contact, gentle voices, cuddles, smiles, playful interactions and a loving touch. These gestures are not only comforting, they’re essential. And here’s the good news: you can give your child all of these things without having to become their 'Friend'. ❤️

But what is less commonly known is that children also need a mutually responsive connection (also known in the research literature as a mutually responsive orientation or MRO) with their parent or carer. This type of connection goes beyond the warmth and love you feel together with your child. It’s about how you and your child respond to each other in everyday interactions. This kind of connection is developed between people when they consistently and appropriately react to each other's cues, emotions, and actions. It’s the emotional dance where you and your child are tuned in to one another’s cues—reacting, adjusting, and staying connected. In a nutshell - it requires that you be available and responsive and interested - in the moment.

At Happy Hearts Parenting and in our parenting program, we call this a ping-pong connection - because we think that a game of ping-pong is a great metaphor for the kind of back-and-forth exchanges involved in any healthy relationship. But this is not a game where one person dominates, or smashes the ball out of the park every time, or perhaps worse - where they can't be bothered returning the ball.... Remember - you're not trying to win or lose! Rather, the goal is to have a long rally. This requires paying attention!... and being sensitive to what's coming your way. It involves sending something back to your child that encourages them to stay in the game! 🏓

So why not try this at home....

The next time your child comes up to you to tell you about something or to show you something they made - imagine they've just served you the ball in a game of ping-pong - your job is to tune in to what's coming your way, pay attention, be sensitive to the emotional quality of their expression, and then respond in a way that ensures the ball will come back to you again after you've spoken - in others words - try to extend the rally!!

You can do this by:

• being aware that your child is trying to connect with you in the first place!;

• responding in a prompt and timely way to each of their attempts to 'play the ball';

• showing genuine interest in what your child is saying or showing you;

• asking specific questions that are relevant to what your child has just said or shown you;

• noticing and responding to your child's evolving emotions

• showing your support (and not your criticisms)

• oh and - enjoy the game!

The Bottom Line...

A loving connection in combination with a ping-pong connection is where real closeness is nurtured. It’s not about being a peer or a pal—it’s about being loving and warm, but also present, attuned, and responsive. When children feel this kind of connection, they’re more open to guidance, more emotionally secure, and more likely to come back to you again and again, not because they see you as a friend, but because they know you are their parent, their safe base, and their trusted 'North Star'.

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